Luckily the answer is as simple as it is stupid: making a logging tool is so freaking easy that everybody’s got a homegrown one which they swear by and would never ditch even if they were offered ass in return (this just in, Logger just won the most used classname ever, it beat out Tester). So instead they use Commons Logging which gives them the feeling of not being such a big idiot with the added bonus of sleeping well at night knowing that they could eaaaasily switch to Log4J if they wanted to. What these poor saps don’t know is that switching between logging tools isn’t even that easy regardless of the abstraction, you still have to worry about configuring your tool which is a major pain in the ass if you want to actually stick to the proper log levels. Besides, nobody’s switching to anything, once you pick a logging framework you stick with it until the application is dead. Period. No exceptions. And if you happen to be switching your logging implementation so frequently that you need abstraction you suck at design and product evaluation.

Do you really care which of the two following imports you’d rather have shit on your code: org.apache.commons.logging or org.apache.log4j. Unless you have a thing for using commons packages (and some people do) you probably don’t give a rats ass. So with that in mind why don’t we save ourselves some trouble and just use Log4J, and as a bonus I’ll throw in the pro of Tomcat not barfing every time it sees two commons logging jars in its classpath, God forbid if they’re two different versions because then it starts giving you errors that make you regret ever even getting into Java.

The only way to beat Log4J is to have something out of the ever so trustworthy java.* packages do the logging for you. Luckily there’s JULI which is really great but unfortunately it’s documented about as poorly as Guice and isn’t marketed nearly as aggressively as that retard Duke (I really hate that son of a bitch, looks like a tooth with a big cavity). Besides, anytime anyone asks you to modify something in the JAVA_HOME directory to configure something red flags go up. Somebody please document how to load a config file from your classpath without specifying a -D option in JAVA_OPTS. I mean I’m configuring logging, not optimizing my garbage collection, yeeeesh.

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It’s the best remedy to an age-old problem of depreciating self-esteem. Changing a title doesn’t really hurt anyone nor does it cost a penny. It pats your ego, makes you feel a little more important and might even fool some friends into thinking your career is going somewhere. The most popular ‘promotion’ these days seems to be sticking a Sr. next to your title, as in Sr. Web Developer or Sr. Software Engineer or Sr. Brown Noser. Now there’s two ways of doing this, you could actually just go to your boss and ask him, “Hey Fred, do you mind if I stick a Sr. next to my title? See I’ve been working here for 6 years and I think it’s only fair to not have the same title as the new guy”. At this point your boss might just laugh at you and take pleasure in compounding your misery and deny your most humble request. If he does so, he’s an asshole. If he’s nice enough to agree, you just got promoted. The other way to do it is silently, maybe start sticking Sr. at the end of your email signature and see if anyone notices. Chances are even if somebody notices, they won’t care enough to investigate further, if all goes well you’ll get to keep it. If you get caught and called out, blame it on fat fingers. The plan is foolproof.

Now if Sr. doesn’t really do it for you and in your youth you had inspirations of becoming a top-level Java guy you might be qualified to be a Java Architect. But be careful here, this might not go as unnoticed as Sr. because architect is one of those terms people have started associating with someone who actually knows something. Sneaking this one in as an email signature is out of the question, you almost have to go to your boss and state the reasons why you’re qualified to be a Java Architect. Don’t worry, none of these “reasons” have to be legit obviously, just make sure you let him know a) you’re been working there 7+ years b) you know what an ESB is (just brush up on the definition before you knock on his door) and c) know what SOA stands for. If you can actually tell doc/literal/wrapped/rpc WSDL’s apart, you’re a lock to get this one. You might be lucky enough for your boss to see right through you and gather that you’re just looking for an ego-bump and not real money, he’ll be more than happy to accommodate.

If you’re too ‘goody-goody’ to resort to these cheap tricks but know deep in the crevices of your heart that you deserve better, you should probably GET OUT NOW and find yourself an employer that’s worth your time. Find a joint where you can get the ass, gas, grass and title you deserve. You’re not getting any younger which means the mathematics of salary and age are working against you. The time is now.

I think the point I’m trying to hammer home is that there are two kinds of titles: those that are earned and those that are given out of pity and sometimes even compassion. Fortunately for the comedic value of things the latter are handed out more often resulting in people who are vastly unqualified for the positions they hold. I’m sure you know the kind. So the next time Joe Schmoe walks up to you, gives you a bone-shattering handshake, a smug smile and hands you his business card that says Sr. Technology Architect, just remember that titles don’t mean shit.