Posted by & filed under The Callout.

Here’s a real preview written by a real writer. Read on if you want to shake your head. You’ll have known by now that Arsenal are in Germany on Tuesday to take on Borussia Dortmund. Let’s try to sum this preview up in one sentence: Dortmund aren’t as good as they were last year but are still good enough for Arsenal to be worried given their injury issues and the form of certain players (ahem, Ozil).

Dortmund beat Freiburg on the weekend and had Shinji Kagawa score one as well, which means the odds of him scoring against us are now down to zero because there’s no possible way he pulls that feat off in back-to-back games.

Whenever you think of Dortumund you’re instructed by the media to think of their “scary” fans and their giant waste-of-money signs which scare no-one in particular.  Last year those guys made a huge display of a guy with binoculars, who sort of looks a creepy guy hanging around schools, and then proceeded to lose at home to Aaron Ramsey’s late header.  There’s also this GIF of them coming to a halt after Ramsey scored, I especially like the look on the shirtless guy’s face, which resembles one of a man who just got got finished fapping to a picture of his sister – the shame is just everywhere:

Other than the game which promises to be a boring 0-0 draw, I’m most looking forward to Jurgen Klopp’s reactions because the guy is mental.  Like, Jack Nicholson in The Shining mental.  I’d like to see him as a future Arsenal manager only because I’m convinced that he’d decapitate Jose Mourinho with a clipboard at some point. Also, if his team lost 6-0 to Mourinho, he’d set fire to Stamford Bridge on his way out. That’s the kind of guile and panache I’m looking for in a manager.

I should probably talk about Arsenal’s injury issues but there are too many to count. Debuchy is crocked, Chambers has tonsillitis (WTF?), and Monreal didn’t travel. That’s three of our six defenders right there which means Bellerin is now playing. I once had tonsillitis and went to the movies just fine after stuffing myself with ice cream, but I suppose playing football is a little different, thought I get the feeling Chambers will play.  I don’t think he’ll take a chance at being the guy at training who missed a game because of a sore throat, I imagine The Flamini doesn’t look too kindly on that sort of behaviour.

You would be forgiven for thinking that Arsene Wenger will tactically change to accommodate for injuries, but having watched him over the years, it’s clear he won’t change a damn thing and will surely play the vaunted 4-1-1-1-1-1-1-1, which is especially reserved for the Champions League.  Danny Welbeck will probably get the start and assuming Mesut Ozil finds more time on the ball, it would be swell if they’d connect for a goal, which would help matters on two fronts. First, it gets Welbeck off the mark because I’m 100% certain if he doesn’t score in the next couple games, the pressure of getting his first Arsenal goal will mount, and people will probably start coming up with memes about who’ll score first, Sanogo or Welbeck.  Honestly, I could do without all that.  Second, it would give Ozil a confidence boost and quell the critics, if ever so briefly.  There’s this idea of an Ozil chant going about which should be supported, as the guy needs a chant worse than I need a lessen in how formations work.

Living in Toronto, I miss out on a lot of Arsenal things, for example I’d love to tweet something like this one day:

Can you believe this guy? “Dortmund bound”. Like it was nothing. “Hey, what are you doing today?” “Oh, nothing, just Dortmund-bound to see Arsenal play in the Champions League”. Damnnnn…

Moving onto more critical matters now, next on my mind is the Champions League theme song. It’s fantastic, it’s always gotten me psyched for the game, and the production of the intros has always been quality even though nobody really knows what the words are. That is, until this guy ruined it for everyone:

Let’s analyze this guy for a second. He’s late for the match, doesn’t have a ticket, somehow manages to find a plane to parachute him into the stadium, evades security who should be tackling him for the brazen offense of invading the pitch, and to top it all off, he’s got a butler waiting to serve him a beer, and probably usher him into the seat right before the match starts. I don’t like him.

  • Bob

    Best preview I’ve ever read, keep it up.

  • Javance Odhiambo

    a scintillating worst preview ever…you really analyzed that guy for me but i like the way he kicks that ball though
    he makes me wonder which club he plays for

  • g.

    Wurst preview ever ?

  • Joseph

    First time I am commenting on Arsenalist or any Arsenal blog.. it says how much I liked the idea of a preview…
    btw keep up the good work …I really like your site

  • Gordogon

    Pretty good preview.