Worst Preview Ever: Dortmund vs Arsenal


Here’s a real preview written by a real writer. Read on if you want to shake your head. You’ll have known by now that Arsenal are in Germany on Tuesday to take on Borussia Dortmund. Let’s try to sum this preview up in one sentence: Dortmund aren’t as good as they were last year but are still good enough for Arsenal to be worried given their injury issues and the form of certain players (ahem, Ozil).

Dortmund beat Freiburg on the weekend and had Shinji Kagawa score one as well, which means the odds of him scoring against us are now down to zero because there’s no possible way he pulls that feat off in back-to-back games.

Whenever you think of Dortumund you’re instructed by the media to think of their “scary” fans and their giant waste-of-money signs which scare no-one in particular.  Last year those guys made a huge display of a guy with binoculars, who sort of looks a creepy guy hanging around schools, and then proceeded to lose at home to Aaron Ramsey’s late header.  There’s also this GIF of them coming to a halt after Ramsey scored, I especially like the look on the shirtless guy’s face, which resembles one of a man who just got got finished fapping to a picture of his sister – the shame is just everywhere:

Other than the game which promises to be a boring 0-0 draw, I’m most looking forward to Jurgen Klopp’s reactions because the guy is mental.  Like, Jack Nicholson in The Shining mental.  I’d like to see him as a future Arsenal manager only because I’m convinced that he’d decapitate Jose Mourinho with a clipboard at some point. Also, if his team lost 6-0 to Mourinho, he’d set fire to Stamford Bridge on his way out. That’s the kind of guile and panache I’m looking for in a manager.

I should probably talk about Arsenal’s injury issues but there are too many to count. Debuchy is crocked, Chambers has tonsillitis (WTF?), and Monreal didn’t travel. That’s three of our six defenders right there which means Bellerin is now playing. I once had tonsillitis and went to the movies just fine after stuffing myself with ice cream, but I suppose playing football is a little different, thought I get the feeling Chambers will play.  I don’t think he’ll take a chance at being the guy at training who missed a game because of a sore throat, I imagine The Flamini doesn’t look too kindly on that sort of behaviour.

You would be forgiven for thinking that Arsene Wenger will tactically change to accommodate for injuries, but having watched him over the years, it’s clear he won’t change a damn thing and will surely play the vaunted 4-1-1-1-1-1-1-1, which is especially reserved for the Champions League.  Danny Welbeck will probably get the start and assuming Mesut Ozil finds more time on the ball, it would be swell if they’d connect for a goal, which would help matters on two fronts. First, it gets Welbeck off the mark because I’m 100% certain if he doesn’t score in the next couple games, the pressure of getting his first Arsenal goal will mount, and people will probably start coming up with memes about who’ll score first, Sanogo or Welbeck.  Honestly, I could do without all that.  Second, it would give Ozil a confidence boost and quell the critics, if ever so briefly.  There’s this idea of an Ozil chant going about which should be supported, as the guy needs a chant worse than I need a lessen in how formations work.

Living in Toronto, I miss out on a lot of Arsenal things, for example I’d love to tweet something like this one day:

Can you believe this guy? “Dortmund bound”. Like it was nothing. “Hey, what are you doing today?” “Oh, nothing, just Dortmund-bound to see Arsenal play in the Champions League”. Damnnnn…

Moving onto more critical matters now, next on my mind is the Champions League theme song. It’s fantastic, it’s always gotten me psyched for the game, and the production of the intros has always been quality even though nobody really knows what the words are. That is, until this guy ruined it for everyone:

Let’s analyze this guy for a second. He’s late for the match, doesn’t have a ticket, somehow manages to find a plane to parachute him into the stadium, evades security who should be tackling him for the brazen offense of invading the pitch, and to top it all off, he’s got a butler waiting to serve him a beer, and probably usher him into the seat right before the match starts. I don’t like him.

Worst Analysis Ever: Arsenal vs Manchester City

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Highlights here.

Welcome to the worst game analysis ever. Something I’ll do after every game much to the disappointment of anyone who ends up reading this drivel. Seriously, turn away now.

The result feels just like the Everton one at home from last season. A game we should have won but ended up conceding late to leave a sinking feeling in the stomach, and thus ruining the rest of my weekend. All the Arsenal post-game reports are applauding it as a “good point”, which I don’t get because they said the same about Leicester and Everton, which begs the question what do Arsenal have to do for it to be considered as two dropped points? To me, it’s a missed opportunity against a City side that was missing key players including Yaya Toure, which should automatically set the standard as a home win.

If we have an outside chance of contending for the title, we have to draw the big sides away and get three points at home. We’re not doing that and haven’t done that for years. Instead of a drab 1-1 draw against City like last year, we ended up with an exciting 2-2 draw, but in the end City are the ones coming away glowing, despite what you’d like to believe. On a positive note, when we were a goal down we didn’t hang our heads and fought back very hard.

It’s become fashionable to crap on Mesut Ozil for some reason, so I’ll avoid that. It’s evident that he’s not getting the time on ball he gets with Germany and is struggling to make quick decisions. Unlike Sanchez who redeems himself with effort and work rate when he gets into trouble, Ozil, after having the ball nicked away, lets the play go buy and stands idly which pisses people off and rightly so. I say put him up right in the middle where he was at Real Madrid and then judge him, asking him to angle his way into play is plain weird.

Jack Wilshere – who I’ve always believed in – is coming around lately and for me it’s always been about fitness wit him. People forget that Wilshere is a highly skilled player who just hasn’t been fit enough for prolonged periods to showcase his talent. He needs to go back to relying on skill instead of adopting this tough-guy role that he’s too short and small to play. It doesn’t suit him. I really see him as a box-to-box midfielder, maybe even a defensive one because he’s so good at avoiding defenders and playing the ball out when under pressure.

Our attack looked like it had some bite with Sanchez running at players and Welbeck presenting himself well, and if it weren’t for some bad final balls, we could’ve had more chances to score. Other than one chance which Wilshere created for him, Ramsey didn’t particularly link up well with anyone, but I feel he’s such a hard worker and moves so well that he’ll eventually find his place between Sanchez, Welbeck and whoever else we got out there. Walcott’s return will only make us more dangerous going forward, leaving the lone “weak” point in the offensive lineup a clinical striker, which Wenger neglected to address and then panic bought with Welbeck.

I like Welbeck, I just feel that if he ever gets to the level of guys like Aguero (which is where we need him to be right now), it’ll take a few years, meaning that he’s still learning on the job with Arsenal, which automatically leaves us short for title contention because there are no title contenders in any of the major leagues in Europe with unproven strikers. Come to think of it, having all these great midfielders and then putting up an unproven striker is like popping open a bottle of Dom Perignon, getting your guests all excited, and then serving it mixed with water.

We gave up a cheap goal against the run of play where Koscielny was missing, and then we left Demichelis wide open right on the penalty spot (he was on the damn dot!) from a corner and he scored on a header which Szczesny should have saved. Same old, late defensive miscue costs us points. It’s not surprising to see us concede that late given how our make-shift defense, and we’re lucky to have held on after Dzeko hit the post and Nasri was caught offside on a tap-in. In the end, given our dominance in the first half and the quality of some of our play going forward, I think it’s a fair result but one which should have been a better one for us.

With Debuchy now down, we have five defenders (and four competitions – haha) and when Wenger was asked for a response after the game, he said “You can ask me who I will buy, but the transfer market is closed”. This guys is unbelievable – nobody’s asking you to buy a defender now, we asked you to buy one for the last three months and now unsurprisingly we’re going to be paying the price for it. Honestly, much like I think David Moyes was holding Everton back all these years, he might be doing the same with Arsenal. I know that’s sacrilegious, but it’s not like anyone’s going to be reading this.

Here’s the call out:

Debuchy: Replacement for Sagna, no more no less

Mertesacker: Didn’t fall down

Koscielny: Culpable for the goal, with no concussion to blame

Monreal: Surprisingly reassuring except for one or two plays

Flamini: Was pisssed we let it the equalizer, check his reaction when the goal goes in

Sanchez: He never stops.  Scored a beauty, and even more enjoyably for me, always tracks back even after making a mistake or two.   Love this guy.

Ramsey: Needs to lose the haircut and take tips from Debuchy

Wilshere: Copied Ramsey’s haircut, which didn’t stop him from being MOTM.  The header assist to Sanchez was sweet.

Ozil: Here’s an idea: play him 45 minutes only, but for those 45 minutes tell him to go all out

Welbeck: Missed a chance - and I really don’t like this Wayward Welbeck BS.

Chambers: More ready than I thought

Arteta: Came on late for Flamini who was on a yellow

Oxlade-Chamberlain: Came in for Welbeck at 88 minutes, should’ve been sooner and instead of Ozil

U-18 Highlights: Arsenal 3, Norwich 0 – Video

Arsenal vs Manchester City 2-2 Highlights

Streams: Wiziwig :: Live TV :: First Row

Arsenal lineup – Image

Man City lineup – Image

Managerial handshake – GFY

Jack Wilshere penalty shout – Video

Sanchez shot – GFY

Ooooh..Danny Welbeck hits the post! – Video

Lampard yellow against Ramsey – GFY

Aguero scores on counter – where’s the defense? – Video

City almost score again – Video

Sanchez FK falls to Ozil…meh – Video

Just when you thought an attack might go somewhere… – Video

GOAL! Jack Wilshere with a sumptuous finish to make it 1-1 (all angles) – Video

Sanchez strike 2-1 – Video

Debuchy injury – stretchered off – Video

Man City equalizer – Video

Dzeko hits post in injury time – GFY

More angles of that Sanchez strike – let’s celebrate that – Video

Arsene Wenger Post-Match Interview – Video

Jack Wilshere Post-Match Interview – Video

MOTD Highlights – Arsenal vs Man City – Video

Jack Wilshere vs Man City (via @YvesStBossy) – Video

Danny Welbeck vs Man City – Video

Alexis Sanchez vs Man City – Video

Mesut Ozil vs Man City – Video

U-18 Highlights: Arsenal 3, Norwich 0 – Video

Leicester City vs Arsenal 1-1 Highlights

Streams: Wiziwig :: Live TV :: First Row

Arsenal lineup – Image

Leicester City lineup – Image

Sanogo’s first touch lets him down… – GFY

Santi has a crack at it after interplay on the right – GFY

Leicester on the counter, Szczesny does well to read the clever flick – GFY

Oooh…great Mertesacker interception to snuff out goal chance – GFY

Koscielny collides head – is down – GFY

Leicester come very close – GFY

GOALL!! Alexis Sanchez – 1-0 Arsenal – GFY

Leicester equalize – GFY

Wow. What a great tackle by Chambers at the edge of the box – GFY

Sanogo half-chance – GFY

Arsenal FK – Sanogo shoves and shoots – GFY

WTF tackle on Per – GFY

Ramsey plays Sanogo in well, but he Sanogos it right into the defender – GFY

Sanogo is offside, describes how offside – GFY

Oooh, Chambers living dangerously. Dribbles through two defenders in his own box – GFY

Ramsey fires in a speculative shot from distance – GFY

Leicester with an early chance, Szczesny dives to save – GFY

Sangogo tries to play the give-and-go…tries – GFY

Arsenal penalty shout – Cazorla – GFY

Cazorla chance, shoots wide – GFY

Best chance of the half to Leicester – so close – GFY

Cazorla/Ramsey connect for a great chance – looping header saved – GFY

Sanogo with a great chance to score, shoots it straight at the goalie – GFY

Mertesacker falls, crucial block from Debuchy to prevent goal, Leicester dangerous – GFY

Sanogo gets on the end of the Cazorla pass, heads over, not pleased – GFY

OMG. Instead of shooting from 12 yards, Sanogo lets it go between his legs, no Arsenal player behind him – GFY

HUGE save by Szczesny to keep it at 1-1 as Leicester counter-attack – GFY

Podolski’s half chance at the end – it ends 1-1, points dropped – GFY

Arsene Wenger Post-Match Reaction – Video

Danny Welbeck 2013-14 Highlights – Video

Compilation: Alexis Sanchez vs Leicester City – Video

Compilation: Yaya Sanogo vs Leicester City – Video

Compilation: Mesut Ozil vs Leicester City – Video

Danny Welbeck Interview with Arsenal.com – Video

Mesut Ozil commercial running in Canada – Video

Jack Wilshere, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Danny Welbeck & Calum Chambers vs Norway – Video

Cometh the hour, cometh Sanogo! – Vine

Danny Welbeck 1-0 vs Switzerland – GFY

Danny Welbeck 2-0 vs Switzerland – GFY

Compilation: Jack Wilshere vs Switzerland – Video

Danny Welbeck compilation vs Switzerland – Video

Kris Olsson Hatrick vs Turkey – Video

Arsene Wenger Press Conference – Pre-Man City – Video

U21: Akpom scores against Aston Villa 1-0 – GFY

Arsenal vs Besiktas 1-0 Highlights (Champions League Playoffs 2nd Leg)

Streams: Live TV :: Wiziwig :: First Row

Arsenal lineup – Image

Besiktas lineup – Image

Jack with a nifty move early – GFY

Besiktas early chance, looked offside – GFY

Debucy with a great run down the right, wins a corner – GFY

Having issues with streams…

Debucy with a last-ditch tackle to prevent goal – GFY

GOAL!!! Sanchez scores 1-0 – Video

Sanchez goal, alternate views – GFY

Besiktas penalty shout – legit – GFY

Besiktas FK…not really close – GFY

Demba Ba almost gets on the end of the cross – GFY

Everyone is relieved! – GFY

Post-Match Reaction: Jack Wilshere – Video

Post-Match Reaction: Arsene Wenger – Video

Compilation: Jack Wilshere vs Besiktas – Video

Compilation: Alexis Sanchez vs Besiktas – Video

Arsenal vs Besiktas – Full Match – Video

Compilation: Santi Cazorla vs Besiktas – Video

Arsene Wenger Press Conference – Video

Arsene Wenger Press Conference – Pre-Leicester – Video